The Art of Relationship

 

The Art of Relationship 

Hie fam, been a minute, I hope you are healthy as I am. I mean to share some important element relationally. It’s something that is not new to you, we been talking about it but not specifically as a standalone. This constantly coming to me over and over again makes me realise it’s for a reason why it’s being repeated. Some of you are viewing this to browse through again per custom, but can I ask you to help yourself:  may you take this with importance. I wanna remind you of the power within you, if you put it into good use, it will help you a lot.

It’s God’s  desire that we prosper in relationships, it should be our desire too. But success doesn’t come to those waiting for it to come on their door step. Success is sought.

1. A successful relationship is sought

If you ask God to bless you with a good guy or lady, am sorry to say you might be frustrated with what you’re asking for. A good guy or that virtuous woman is not asked for, he or she is sought. 

Matthew 7:7 📖 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:...can we understand this scripture in this way: how many of us have asked God to help us pass an exam? After that prayer, didn’t you go and study with all that is within you? Okay, you would be called unwise if you ask God to help you pass an exam and yet you don’t go study for that exam. God cannot be mocked.

There are 3 things you do: ask, seek and knock. You don’t stop at asking, with faith you receive what you have asked for (verse 8); and then you seek that which you have received, you go substantiate the intangible (God has given you a good partner, so, go seek him, seek her). 

Remember,  God is not giving you the right one, but the right candidate. So, stop expecting God to bring you stuff while you are stationary when they are things that require you to make a move. He blesses the work of your hands, your riches are realised when your hands are working, it ain’t gonna fall from heaven. Am saying, a beautiful relationship is not gonna fall from heaven just because you have asked for it, nop, you go seek it and you will find him and her. 

But it ain’t  ending there: when you find the person, she might not even be aware she’s the one; he might not know he’s the one. And that would require you knocking on her door, wave hi at her just so she could notice you. It would require you giving him a chance to talk to you, and of course exchanging conversations. It would require you knowing the password to her encrypted heart, and knocking on her heart with that password. Else, access denied. 

Hear me, seeking and knocking are matters of intentionality. Everyone can ask, but not everyone seeks nor knocks. Stop here or proceed; henceforth am speaking to you who says I’ve asked enough, I want to seek and knock. Am not started on what I want to share with you. Let’s begin.

Can I ask you a question: why do you love me? Because I love you? Or for what I can do for you? For how I make you feel? Or you love me coz it’s me and you love me? 

You see, the reason for which you love somebody tells what you are in with that person for: benefits or a relationship. When you love someone because you love them, you are called to a place of relationship: a place of communion, a place of growth. If you say you are in a relationship, one thing is certain: you two are knowing each other. If you are knowing each other, it means you are proximal. If you are proximal, it’s the evidence that you two are communicating. 

Proximity that lacks communication breeds no intimacy. Haven’t you ever been so close to a person and never get to know the person? It’s not about just being close, it’s about being able to relay yourselves when you are close. God is so close to us, but He’s far than close not because He’s not close, but our inability to create an environment of communication.

This is what I want to share with you: communication. This is one of the pillars of any kind of relationship. There is no survival guaranteed for a relationship that lacks communication. Better are those who fight but talk than those who are peaceful but don’t talk. Communication is power within you. It’s presence can build; it's absence equally can destroy. And I ask you, apart from talking, are you communicating?

After asking, seeking and knocking, it’s very easy to lose it when you know not how to keep it or sustain it. Once you stop talking to God, distance is made. And the further you get, the more the voice of God ceases to be heard. And the more the voice of God ceases to be heard, the more the secrets of you two are built. The more the secrets, the more I don’t know you. Without communication,  forget about us growing together, forget about us making progress, forget it. 

Communication is one way you sustain your relationship. So how do you communicate? 

Here are not all but some things we need to consider When communicating. How do you have to do it?

1. Purpose for communication 

Before you make any communication with your partner, know the reason why you two have to communicate. Are you communicating to make a point or to make progress? If it’s to make progress, that purpose will demand its own supplies for it to be fulfilled. Such a decision will demand the next points am sharing with you. The question is, can you supply it?

2. Right channel

To make progress, you will have to use the right channel. Know which to do and which not to. I will repeat, you don’t cut communication to communicate something. This is a channel but not the right one. Coz in the end, it creates distance; distance distorts the message you guys can mean to send to each other. 

Signs are good but not always right to use to communicate. Not all of us understand your sign language, not all of us understand which one is red or green light to you. 

Assumptions is totally out of options. Never should you assume your partner knows what you want to say and never should you assume you know what your partner wants to say. Cut out assumptions. Cut out he or she will figure it out; we are already solving puzzles out here, don’t add another one. Your lips are designed to communicate, use them well.

3. Right signal

The right channel with the wrong signal causes communication interference. Be able to feed the channel with the right signal. One time I said, be careful not to speak with your emotions but normalise to speak your emotions. Your emotions are important in what you are saying. But we are saying, you will miss it when you use your emotions to speak. Emotions cannot always be trusted. But there’s trust which resides in emotions. Sometimes it’s not easy to trust someone who has not trusted you with their emotions. So, you will have to find a means of communicating your emotions without interfering with the reason why you are communicating. 

Be able to communicate what has made you feel good: that’s you telling your partner you liked what he or she did. And be able to say what has hurt you: that’s you telling your partner you didn’t like what he or she did. It’s here when you are hurting that it’s easy for you to speak with your emotions and you will be making a point killing the idea of making progress. We are always speaking what we feel but clarity is what shapes these emotions into the right signal. 

4.    Clarity in content

Be clear in what you are saying; ambiguity is with it an ambiguous response. You cannot speak in an unclear language and expect a clear response, that doesn’t happen. You can have a defined purpose for communicating and have the right channel; but once you are unclear in your message, even your presentation of the signal is distorted.

For example, you can ask God to give you a good man or woman. But that’s too vague for God to work with, and He surely will ask you some questions to get to the bottom line of what you are really asking for.

These questions are all to get you clear about your request. He will ask you: what is a good man or woman to you? Why is your good good? Why do you need such a person? Where, when, and how do you need the person? How is the person of benefit to you and God? and so forth. 

The answers you give here will tell whether you know what you’re asking for or not. So, exhibit clarity in what you’re saying to your friend. Only then will you be understood in the way you should.

5.      Clarity in the owner

One thing you will need to do as well is be well aware of who owns the message you’re communicating to your partner. Own what is yours and don’t own what is not yours. All this should be clear to the one receiving your message. I can say I love you and you respond to me “love you too”. Good, these two are similar but not the same message. My message to you is clear that I am the one performing the action of love on you. Whilst on the latter, I am not sure who loves me too. Is it you, or you’re speaking on behalf of someone who you haven’t even disclosed.

But one thing in that message is clear; that you’re not the one loving me too, you haven’t owned it if it’s really you saying it. Am I helping you?

Ndakusowa n you go like nanenso, nawenso chani?👀 The sentence is incomplete. You might want to mean something, but the way you construct your message can mean a different thing from the one you meant to say. It’s little things like these that can alter the health of your relationship. I this for you, I that for you, I, I, and I, a very important subject in your message. See it that you put it where you need it and where your partner needs it.

6.     Clarity in the addressee

Aha let’s spend some time here. Once you are clear in your message and its owner, be clear in who you mean to receive that message. Many are the times when we direct the message to a different person in the person. Hear me, *a person has dimensions; he or she is more than what you just know.* You will need to target the right dimension if progress is to be made. Otherwise, you have not made a communication. Why? You have passed the message to the wrong person. Let me help you understand this:

I hear you say sir you speak wisdom..okay, we thank God for the grace. But can I be honest with you: my woman is not going to get married to this Vinnie speaking to you right now, this Vinnie is kinda talkative, he’s got lots to say sometimes, he’s cool I know and I like him too😊🙃

But she’s not going to get married to this guy; she’s going to get married to this Vinnie who is quiet, less talkative, who is dumb sometimes and messes up, and he fails too. This Vinnie gets hurt, angry, confused and tired; he can be down sometimes, hyped up and etc.

Now, I am sure some of you haven’t seen this kinda Vinnie before. Why? Because if you come to me as sir, that’s who you talk to, that’s the dimension of me that you open and I release that to you. 

And am saying, beside the sir, there’s a part of me who is not wise as you think and I take him before God and I say to Him: God, this Vinnie doesn’t know how to communicate, may you teach me please. I don’t know how to love, may you teach me please; I don’t know how to do this, may you help me.

Now listen, I can’t bring the sir to her when it’s just Vinnie who she actually needs; unless I want to make the relationship boring. This guy will only come up when she needs him. Now it will be wrong of her to say something to the sir when she actually meant to speak to Vinnie. 

If she misses the addressee, her message has also gone to the wrong person, and the feedback is also going to be unlikeable unless God helps the addressee relay the message to the right addressee within me. We need the Holy Spirit for sure. Otherwise, communication ivuta ndithu.

Aha know who you’re speaking to in that person that you deliver the message to the right one.

From this, am disclosing to you that you can be a powerful man and woman of God and still fail in relationships. We are not marrying that man or woman, that part of you is a bonus beauty that God has given you. So if you don’t realise that you got a part of you which needs you to bring before God for mentoring, you will be surprised kuti aaaa ndinu nomwe zitha kukuvutani kodi.

Adalipo anthu odzala ndi mdzodzo koma nkhani iyiyi yokha idachita prove that this one is a whole different matter. Being a man and woman of God is not a certificate that you have done well in this too. Nop, let that part of you help you take you to a place of betterment.

7. Mind your tone

The tone of your voice creates the atmosphere in which you and your partner can swim in. Your tone can tell you are happy, sad, angry, nervous, confused, lying, sarcastic, and what have you. So, you can have all the 6 points okay, but if your tone is not the right one, your message will not be received as intended.

8. Use the language of the relationship

It’s an art of communication to commune in what both you and your partner understand. Early last year, I spoke something on love languages, and I said: it’s an act of selflessness to be able to speak back the love language of your partner as he or she speaks yours. 

As much as you’re happy that your partner does what you like, how is he or she benefiting from doing your likes? It’s in the analysis of this that you come to a place where you both do the other and both benefit from it.

The 5 love languages are personal love languages dealing with you as an individual and everything to do with your love language benefits you, not your partner. 

But as you speak your individual languages, the relationship exhibits a certain language into its system, which is designed to be understood by just you guys in that relationship. It's like a register. It is this language that creates an utterance that both of you benefit from, without leaving the other unattended to.

So, as you communicate, don’t communicate in your personal language whose beneficiary is only you; be selfless enough to speak in the language which focuses on what both of you will benefit from and push you forward. And that’s the language of your relationship. 

An easy example is: say I speak to you in tumbuka and you speak to me in sena (personal languages which we both are not very fluent in about the other); and say we both decide to speak in chichewa (language of the relationship), which language will be easier for us to understand each other?

9. Exist response

Response is expected from any communication made. Bluetick is you ignoring the communication made to you as if it hasn’t been communicated. This is not necessary in your relationship. If I say something to you, I expect you to respond. If you ignore what am saying, you’re saying my voice is not important. 

Likewise, discern the urgency of the communication. You’re late if you come now for something that your partner really needed you to reciprocate yesterday.

Sometimes, you put your partner in the cold when you’re unable to come up when needed. Learn responding necessarily.  

Now, there is a principle for how you respond: James 1: 19 and Proverbs 18:13 – You don’t respond before listening. Be quick to listen; listen to understand, not to reply. Listen to grasp the purpose of the communication before you can actually speak. Listen to yourself too before you actualise your response. You got two ears for that.

10. Communication is a need, not a want

And lastly, you will lose it when you only communicate when the conditions are good for you. But this is a need, it’s not done when you want. You’re good or not, communicate; You feel like it or not, communicate. You have to always communicate no matter what. The day you give it a break, you’re breaking something too, either your own or your partner’s.

I hope you have learnt something from all this. Blessed are the doers. Go flourish as you communicate always💪 See you around🫂